I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
