So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
