Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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