Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
