Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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