she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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