Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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