I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
