I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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