Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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