Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
