Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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