I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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