You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
