You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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