it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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