Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
