Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
