...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
