She is in my trunk
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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