Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
