If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
