dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
