i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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