i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
