Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
