I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
