did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
