Plan B is the new Plan A
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
