Apparently you make a good broom.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
