So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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