My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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