i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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