I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
So much Jack, so little girl.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
