dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
