She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
