he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
