I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
