there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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