Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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