I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
