I didn't shave. On purpose
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
