Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
