Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
