so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
