i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
