its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
