i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Randomize
