We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
