Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
