Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
